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How it Really Feels

October 23, 2010

Well I’m  just going to be brutally honest here. Today was hard. In fact, most days are hard. I struggle with whether or not I am doing the right thing by being here and him being thousands of miles away  nearly every day.

I hope no one thinks I am writing this as a ‘poor me’ note because that’s not the intention. However, I must admit that my best writing usually comes from raw emotion.

I have to be completely truthful. I am tired of calling everyone else. I am tired of asking people if I can come over and interrupt their routine just so that I am not alone. I am waiting to be called. I am waiting to be talked to.  I am waiting to be cared about. But then I think…maybe I don’t deserve to be cared about. I mean, I am the one who chose to stay in South Carolina, spend my husbands money on school, while he works his tail off all the way in Arizona.

I was talking to a stranger today- another  military wife – and  I explained to her that I was apart from my husband right now due to his civilian job and I knew how hard it could be.  But then she asked me the dreaded question…”couldn’t you go with him?” Well, yes but that’s complicated and some days it just seems so wrong for me to have to explain why I didn’t.  I know I have family who think I am wrong, but then there is family who believes I’m right. I know my husband loves me unconditionally and supports me in my endeavors to get my degree. But, there are just days I feel support from no one and I feel the urge to just romantically drop everything and fly out to Arizona forever!

My Friday consisted of babysitting from 8 this morning until 2, lunch, Barnes and Noble for mmmm 6 or 7 hours doing homework, an Arby’s meal with a much needed side of curly fries, and a pitiful walk around Walmart out of sheer depression and nothing to do. I felt very alone today. I am tired of being alone. Most people have family (at least one other person ) or close friends who live in the dorm room next to them,  but I feel like I have none of these close social support groups. I even saw some college girls I know tonight in Walmart and all I got was a “hey, how are you?” (after I acknowledged them mind you ) I can’t blame them…they don’t nor could they ( single as they are) understand what I’m going through but I would have done anything for just a five minute conversation! Ah, the life I suppose I have chosen. I’m not asking for pity. I don’t really know what I want. I guess I am just fulfilling a need to express myself  and now that I think about it I would like to remind others out there that your friends need you more than you think. Consider picking up the phone tomorrow and calling someone you love just to see how they are doing. Maybe even go as far as to deny the social networking sites for once and ask them to come over and spend some time with you*gasp* face to face! Just food for thought…

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