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Overwhelming Love

October 12, 2012

We are leaving today for our monthly weekend in Tucson for the husband’s reserve duty. Typically I like to have everything nice and clean before we go. That way when we get back I can slowly ease back into the reality of life where there are no nice little housekeepers to come in and sweep up the mess we make.

I still plan to do some cleaning, but my priorities have shifted as I just have a strong desire to write about my recent experiences. Audrey is still sleeping which is rare, usually I just have time to read and pray and that’s about it.  Oh and before I go on, please don’t think that I’m one of those women who has everything together and I always read my Bible and pray during my child’s consistent morning nap…no it’s just not true. It was only just a couple of weeks ago that we actually got into a consistent morning nap routine and the afternoon nap is still questionable. Also as far as my time with the Lord goes…well let’s just say that has not been as much of a priority in my life as it should have been.

I used to think that I had to have this perfect little devotional routine set up before I could begin a daily routine. I needed to have everything together. But, recently I picked up the book One Thousand Gifts and just decided that I would go through it slowly soaking in as much as I could during my breaks. As I have read the book I have also started to pray more and give thanks and it really has been life changing. I don’t want the book to end because I am afraid my praise will fade.

Life has not been easy and this is really the first time I have shared this in my writing, although I know that some of you reading this already know. I have struggled and gone back and forth many times on how to share my hardships on my blog and if I should. However, this blog is entitled “diary of a ranger’s wife ” so I have been thinking that at some point I need to write something other than posts about my baby. All of those posts about Audrey are usually overwhelmingly positive and euphoric, especially in those first few  months because I was on that mommy high. But, honestly life has not been all rainbows and butterfly’s. In the span of about two months life changed dramatically for me. I had a baby and we moved. Not only did we move, but we moved to what I like to think of as the middle of no where (of course I know not everyone reading this would agree). I believe I did go through some post partum depression. But, then again I’m not really sure…I couldn’t decide if it was the new found life of motherhood and hormones getting me down or our distance from an uplifting social life. Maybe it was a bit of both. I prayed a little and complained a lot. I know I was not much fun to be around. At the end of July Audrey and I traveled across the country to stay with family while Giles went to get his EMT cert. I stayed around a bit longer because I was in a wedding. Total I was gone for about 2 months. Not an unusual amount of time to be away from home, as it seems this is how life has been for the past 2 years since Giles got his job with the Park Service.  In it’s own way, the distance was hard, but when I came back somehow life seemed better. God used that time in my life to give me a fresh perspective.

I still have days that I struggle. Days when I just want to get away from the house and the park, but there is no where to go. Days when I just need a friend who I can share my heart with and there is no one there. But, for the most part life has been much more positive. As I have been reading One Thousand Gifts I continually am learning about praise , joy, eucharisto, to give thanks. I am learning that joy is the answer to trust.

My experience this morning, which is why I began writing this post in the first place, was overwhelming but in a good way. I felt God. I know that sounds out there for some of you, especially those reading this that don’t believe, but it was real. I felt his presence, I felt his peace. I have opened my soul and softened my heart again and let Him in. I have experienced this before, but it has been a while. For a long time I have felt isolated not only from the world around me, but from Jesus. But today I felt Him wrap his arms around me. I have constantly been looking for things to be grateful for even in the hard times and it will change your perspective when you look for beauty in the ugliness.

Psalm 136 was brought to my attention this morning. It is a beautiful passage in which the Psalmist is praising God and after each praise he says, “For His steadfast love endures forever.” The Psalmist makes this statement 26 times. While reading this passage the words “His love endures forever” flowed through my Pandora radio. I know when I hear the same passage twice in a short span of time that God is trying to speak to me and today He was obviously present, reminding me of his steadfast love for me. It was such a special moment for me to think that the God of the universe was reaching out to me individually. I am so small in the grand scheme of things, yet He cares for me and He sees me and He loves me more deeply than any other love I have ever know. Overwhelming Love.

Here are two verses that stuck out to me specifically today  –

Psalm 136

16 – to him who led his people through the wilderness, for his steadfast love endures forever.

23- It is he who remembered us in our low estate, for his steadfast love endures forever.

I suppose it is easier for me to write about my troubles now, because I feel like I have been rescued from my drowning and I am no longer at the point where I can only complain. I know hard times still lie ahead, but I have felt God once again and will remember this time when He was so present in my life. Over the past month I have also felt the presence of my faithful friends and family praying. There is no doubt in my mind that there have been prayers spoken in my name and for that I am so grateful- God is the only one I can give credit to for bringing me out of my loneliness. My situation is still the same and yet I am able to look at my place in life through new eyes.

“We don’t have to change what we see, only the way we see it. ” Ann Voskamp

One Comment leave one →
  1. October 24, 2012 2:51 AM

    i only met you that once. i think you’ll agree, different as we seem to be, we shared a bond — across many seeming differences — religion, male/female/ AGE! / where we are in our respective point in life (you = young, me = waiting to grow older & die) … but we shared the bond of similar running pacing! now, i know that isn’t especially significant, but i also believe that behind/underneath/imbued/intertwined/prevalent/omnipresent through-out everything is what you call “God” (i do, too). i prefer not to label whatever it/she/it/they is/are.
    i do believe everything is part of this essence, with (of course) varying degrees of what we might call “cognizance.”

    i’m glad you, again, have tapped into the fundamental JOY of it all. you are, of course, a great mother and wife. when i first read the blog “diary of …” you were not yet a mom and wrote about all sorts of things. as your child (eventually, children?) grows, i hope you report on the family trips, your athletic endeavors, and all the other crazy stuff you’re going to continue to experience.

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